Saturday, October 11, 2008

Prose: The Balm of My Quiet Spirit

My solitude is so important to me.
I visit friends here and there, see people for a mix of reasons, am responsive to emails and phone calls/consultations/entreaties for emotional support. And then I want my solitude. Then I need my alone time.
I need to re-member myself and bring all my parts, all my energies back to me, to my core, and into my care. Then I need to take the places that feel misunderstood, blamed, seen with prejudiced eyes, and soothe them with the balm of my quiet spirit.
Far from the fray, far from others’ opinions and needs, I can retreat into my own heart, say the prayers I need to say, solicit the help from spirit that I need, and do my own healing, calm myself to the core of who I know myself to be.

For many years I tended the world. I raised children, I volunteered with older women to aid them along their life path, to give help where help was needed or asked for.
Now I am in a different place. I will still respond to that request of help-needed, but I don’t go looking for it anymore. I have given and given, long and hard, and I owe nothing…if I ever thought I did through a misguided Catholic ethic of always helping those in need. As if I was running my own mission, that I was a missionary as a wife, mother, householder and person who dealt with day-to-day life as I found it.
My missionary robes have long been burned on the altar of my true understanding of who I am and who I am not. From this place I have grown a self to deal with life in this world at this time that no longer needs that level of give-away, that volume of emotional return for services rendered.
At this time of my life, the balm of my quiet spirit is my sanctuary and all the comfort and peace I could ask for.

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