Essay: What do I know by heart?

Every day I get up and try to be the best human being I can be. When I fall down on this mission, I pull myself up, dust off the debris, and start again. Sometimes it is hard to look morning in the face. Other days I am so full of love and joy that I almost ache.

I know that I am not sure what unconditional love feels like coming at me. Wait, that is not exactly true, I know that my grandma and grandpa loved me unconditionally. I will set with that for awhile and see if I can pull those feelings closer so that I have a stronger reference point. I have often wondered if my son would say the same. I know that I have come closer to pouring out unconditional love to him, than to any other human on the planet. At least for the longest amount of time, over 24 years of loving that boy. This past week-end he called from his home in Florida and left me the sweetest message. He said that he saw a shooting star in the sky and thought of me. I still have his message saved on my phone so that I can listen to it one more time.

I know in my heart that dirt is good. I love playing in dirt. I love putzing with plants and their dirt. I love gardening and plan on starting a very small garden this year ~ pole beans on tipis, butternut squash, tomatoes, and some greens ~ especially arugala. Very small, manageable, could be added onto in the future, but reasonable for this first year. In the old days I used to describe those ignorant people in my life as “Dumb as dirt”. I no longer say that…. it is unfair and I am embarrassed by that. I love dirt too much.

I know in my heart that I love horses. Going out and feeding my horse, even going out and scooping poop, makes me feel better. I love the way horses smell. There is a freshness, a sweetness about them that only those who have smelled it know about. Although I love setting by the window and watching the horses play ~ I realize that horses get me outdoors. I tell Lakota many things. I went out last January and the wind had whipped her mane into a tangled mess ~ a series of knarly dreadlocks that the wind had woven into an ugly mat. I looked at it and started crying. I thought about going inside, getting the scissors and just cutting it out. It was too much and it looked impossible. I had no tolerance. I had just hung up the phone from talking with my mom. They found more cancer in my Dad. So I stood in the cold sunshine beside my beautiful horse. I set down her comb and started at the bottom ~ with my fingers I began to unwind the clumpy mess. Sobbing, sometimes barely able to see what I was doing, I felt my way through it. By the time I had finished I had stopped crying. I was proud of myself for saving her gorgeous mane. I marveled at her patience, for standing there and being with me in my grief. She is such an amazing animal, my sister and my friend.

I know that I have far to go in realizing my full potential as a spiritual being living in this human form on this material plane. I keep hearing the words from my last astrology reading, “DO you trust that what you need will come? Do you trust that?”

And my heart soars and I yell out “YES, yes…I trust that what I need will come!”

Every cell in my body chooses Love: love for my father, love for horses and dirt, the flowers and weeds that I’ve met this lifetime (you know who you are), and cherry tomatoes warmed by the sun.

In my heart, I chose Love.

from Annette